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Snakes: The Shameless Lie
As the consequence of an indiscretion committed by my brother Belfar, I found myself in a titanic struggle battling for life. Belfar, it seemed, had decided to kick a snake, and now, two days later, the snake wanted revenge. Of the fact that I was merely the brother of Belfar meant nothing to this juvenile python, which was darting at me with amazing speed, causing me to hop and dodge, in a terrified manner. Belfar too, was dodging, but was also swinging his Tesco carrier bag as a weapon against the aggrieved snake.
"What the fuckin' hell did you upset him for!" I gasped, beginning to falter. "You know you don't fuck with snakes!"
Belfar swung his bag in a calculated arc, and caught the snake full in the body. The snake hit the garden wall, but shot back at me, more angry, and more determined. Belfar continued to swing his bag, in wild and wondrous arcs. I wondered what he was doing, what his plan was, how he was going to get us out of this mess; while all the time, the snake continued darting at me, making me jump and making me dance.
In many ways Belfar should have known better. Upsetting snakes is a foolish and stupid thing to do, and Belfar was certainly aware of the risks that were involved. It was one of the first things that we were both taught in infant school: snakes are dangerous! And of the fact that they are leg-less in no way detracts from their speed and agility - as was becoming apparent now.
"So what did you kick it for!" I gasped again, dodging and jumping.
Belfar declined to answer, but swung his bag in shortened arcs, that were skimming over the snake's head.
"That's not gonna do anything!" I said, with despair and desperation."
The snake whipped at me and I managed once more to evade its venom, but by now I was tiring, and knew soon, that fatigue would give the serpent the opportunity it seeked. Belfar leapt once more into the affray, still swinging his carrier bag in those afore mentioned - shortened arcs. Then I suddenly realised he'd severed the snake in two!
"Strewth!" I gasped, "How did you manage that?"
"There is a method," replied Belfar, "of holding a carrier bag in such a way, that its edge can become quite sharp!"
I realised what he had done.
"A type of judo?" I enquired.
"A type of judo," he replied.
The snake, which was by now very dead, had been a young python. During its attack it had displayed cobra-like attributes, and had been attempting - with considerable success I must add - to expand a hood. This display of impersonation made me wonder if snakes were developing a higher intelligence, and that maybe, in the future, we humans would have something real to worry about! But more intriguing than that, was the question of how a python had come to be in this country, not half a mile from the Cedar road ghetto! I decided not to think about it, but looked down at the two halves of the severed snake, and marvelled how it was that reptiles didn't seem to bleed.
"You know ... we could eat that if we were hungry!", my brother said to me.
I shook my head.
"No..." I replied "I would rather buy my snakes from Tesco's!"
Snakes: The Truth
The inquisitor looked down at me from his lofty chair. He was seated behind a great desk. In his hand was a tattered note book. He opened a page, read it for a few seconds, then spoke.
"It says here, that your brother killed a snake?"
An eerie guilt came over me. The image of the severed snake still haunted my mind. I could still see it's white bloodless wounds, even though the crime had been done so many years ago.
"Yes," I replied. "He did."
The inquisitor stared at me. "Why?"
"It was trying to kill me!"
"Trying to kill you?"
The sickness of the guilt gripped my stomach.
"My brother kicked it." I paused. "I don't know why... He just did. He does those things sometimes."
The inquisitor put his chin onto his fist and his elbow onto the table.
"Why did it attack you?"
"It wanted revenge. It said that it would break my brother's heart. It would kill me, to hurt him!"
The inquisitor picked up the note book again.
"It says here, the snake darted at you."
I nodded. "It did. It darted at me... and with tremendous speed too!"
The inquisitor pursed his lips. "This 'young python' darted at you, did it?"
I started to get exited. "Yes ... it darted at me... it was trying to bite me ... poison me!"
The inquisitor looked perplexed. "Poison you?"
"Yeah, it was an evil thing ... A brute I tell you!" I was still excited. "Venom was dripping from its fangs. It was going to poison me!"
The inquisitor was still puzzled. "The python was going to poison you?"
"Yeah, the filthy dirty poisonous python!" I paused, then "The miserable fucker!"
The inquisitor's eyes widened. "There is a time to swear: but that time is not now!"
My excitement abated: the inquisitor continued.
"This poisonous python which was darting at you..."
"Yes...?"
"... it didn't happen that way, did it"
The guilt expanded within my stomach.
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"There was no python, was there?"
"There was... it was trying to bite me!"
The inquisitor stood suddenly from his chair. "You are a liar!" He shouted.
The guilt overwhelmed me again, but I continued my defence.
"The python was darting at me. It was trying to POISON ME!"
The inquisitor nodded his head. "You are a liar. There was no python!"
I started to judder. "No... no. There was a python!"
"You are accusing a python of attempted poisoning! And accusing it of doing it quickly!"
I started to breath more heavily.
"A python could no more poison you than could a cat!" continued the inquisitor.
"It was a python!"
"A python could not dart, let alone dart with tremendous speed!"
My heavy breathing became heavier!
"It was a python... it was expanding a hood!"
The inquisitor became more incredulous.
"Expanding a hood!"
I stood there, and said nothing.
"Only a cobra can do that!"
"It was a cobra", I gasped.
"A cobra, you said it was a python!"
"It was impersonating a python!" I said with desperation.
I realised then that I lost it; that the game was up.
"What are you", I replied, "an inquisitor or a policeman?
The inquisitor looked me in the eyes. "To some people, I am both!"
There was a period of silence which lasted for quite a while. Then, with a low voice, the inquisitor asked, "Why did you say it was a python?"
"It sounded better.. It was more glamorous!"
"So what was it really. What was this snake that attacked you?"
I hesitated for a while, then said, "I don't know!"
The room became silent. The inquisitor pulled from under his table a carrier bag. It was emblazoned with the Tesco's logo, where good food always costs less! He emptied its contents onto the table. He picked up two shrivelled objects. He held them out.
"These are the remains of your severed snake."
I looked up meekly.
"I have examined them. I have discovered it was not a snake at all. It was a slow-worm. A leg-less lizard, quite common in the south of England. I was alerted when you claimed it was severed by a carrier bag. Quite obviously crap! The slow-worm you see has a defence mechanism. When attacked, it will loose its tail. You assumed that it was your brother's calculated arcs which severed the snake. In fact, it severed itself!"
I stared in disbelief.
"Not a snake at all?"
The inquisitor nodded. "Not a snake at all!"